Control

Wednesday I was having a bit of a teenage-girl-mood-swing day. I had to meet with my presentation group for my Philosophy class, and we went longer than I had hoped. On top of that, I was a bit tired and I hadn’t really had much to eat for lunch beforehand. When we finished I decided to go for a walk because it was getting stuffy in the little coffee shop on campus.

It was a drizzly day, but it wasn’t raining so I wandered around aimlessly for a bit while I tried to decide where I wanted to go. I had about an hour and a half to kill before my mom was supposed to pick me up, so I decided to sit down at a table and call my grandmother. We didn’t really talk about much, but we talked for 10 minutes or so.

But alas! I had the problem of where to go again! I thought about going down my usual trail, but I decided to explore a bit instead. I decided to see what was behind Frost Hall, which is a big, old stone building that looks like a castle. Frost is actually at the top of a hill, but you wouldn’t know it unless you went behind it. It’s usually out of the way for me, so I just hadn’t been back there. What I found was beautiful! At the bottom of the hill and across a little road is a pond, and behind that there are woods. The leaves on the trees are starting to change around here, and it was so nice! The odd thing was that it left me feeling a bit lonely. I thought about heading back to the coffee shop, but I wasn’t feeling particularly sociable either, so I decided just to sit for a bit.

The trouble is that when I sit still I get to thinking, and when I get to thinking, I sometimes get to thinking things I don’t want to. I have absolutely no reason to doubt the Lord. He has been so involved in my life in the past couple years that it would seem ridiculous not to believe in His greatness. As I was sitting there however, the thought came into my head, “is this for real?” That thought has crossed my mind before, and the immediate response is always “Of course!” It just bothers me that this doubt would even cross my mind. All I can do about it is pray, and that’s what I did yesterday. As usual, it made me feel a bit better.

Later that night I went to choir practice at my church and I was the only alto (there’s usually only two of us, anyway), but I sang my parts loudly and pretty well, and I worshiped God with my friends and I felt awesome afterwards.

Something that took me a while to accept is that God isn’t always going to give me the answer to “hard” questions, but He always has the answer. I have a tendency to be a bit of a control freak, so my prayer is usually, “what do I need to do, Father?” It can be a bit difficult for me to say, “God, I don’t know what’s going on. Just do your thing.” Generally the latter works out better. I think the best way to go about whatever it is we’re doing is to do our thing, and let God do His thing. The two “things” are usually intertwined. I think in general, we need to do less thinking and more doing. If we just take the opportunities that are given to us, so much more gets done. Sometimes even if something looks appealing, I’ll think so much about it that I won’t actually end up doing it. You can almost always say “no,” and you can almost always back out. In fact, this can sometimes be easier if you jump in head first (of course it depends on the situation, but I’ve noticed that this is true in a lot of cases).

I’m writing this down in the hope that it is helpful, but also so that I might be more inclined to take my own advice. I’m really just getting
to the point where I will just “jump in” to things, and I still tend to over-think a lot.

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