Loser by Beck

This song has nothing to do with anything…

Sometimes I feel like a bit of a loser. I know I lack the ambition that many artists have to carry them to success. I know many artists–of any kind will sit and work on their projects for hours and days and weeks almost non-stop. I know I want to be a writer. I have a goal. I want to be published. I also know I don’t work as hard as I could towards that goal. It’s partly because I get distracted by my friends and my other artsy hobbies, but it’s partly because I’m perfectly content to do nothing and just play stupid games on my phone or watch movies or read fantasy stories. Part of my problem is that I hate doing research and I kind of suck at it. Part of the problem is that I’ve been awfully lucky. I’ve had some success just given to me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very thankful for that. Part of the problem might be that I doubt myself a little. I see people who are much more talented and successful than myself all over the place and I wonder if I’ll ever even make it.

I’ve decided to stop playing video games for a while; quit cold turkey. I think I was getting a little addicted to Minecraft. I’ve also decided I have to do at least one artsy thing every day. I meant to be a lot more productive over break than I have been, and I regret wasting the time that I did. I’m going back to school on the 16th. I haven’t checked my grades from last semester. I feel like I probably got at least B’s in most of my classes, but I really just kind of don’t want to know. They’ll send them in the mail eventually anyway. I think I made a mistake with the courses I chose last semester. It was A LOT of work. I think I planned much better for the coming semester. I’ll have to try and make a new friend though because my friend Lydia is finishing college in Italy and then going straight to France to work. All my high school friends will of course go back to college.

Well, I’m determined to work on my novel for a few hours tonight. I think I’ve almost figured out how it’s going to end. I haven’t actually written a whole lot yet, but I’ve been planning it out for weeks now. Once it’s finished I WILL get it published. I’m not going to put a ton of work into this without doing something with it! I don’t care if I get super popular. I just want to be able to support myself.

2 thoughts on “Loser

  1. Hey, I know this is an older post, but I’ve just been scrolling through your posts to see what I’ve missed since I’ve been gone (so I might leave a bunch more replies after this, heh). Anyway, yeah, I always tells myself I MUST do this, or whatever, I’m constantly making new schedules in my head. That’s great to do, but I know enough now that I’m never going to be 100% faithful to them. If you can stick to them, great, but don’t beat yourself up bc you haven’t finished your novel yet (which is awesome, keep trucking).
    Also, be aware of setting unrealistic schedules. I don’t say ‘unrealistic goals’ because nothing is unrealistic, and anything is possible, but you can take as bloody long as you want to get there!
    Um, yeah, this is mostly me trying not to be guilty for not writing everyday… (But if you want to be a writer, you must do this, apparently. I’ll do it when I don’t have to worry so much about everything else.)

    Also, I totally want to get into minecraft. I haven’t played computer games in so long. Is it good?

  2. Time for a pep talk: you can do ANYTHING you believe you can do. If your goal is write for a living, then you need to write every day. Don’t make it possible to fail; make it possible to succeed. Be realistic in your goals; if you only have 15 minutes a day that you know you can write, then be religious about writing for 15 minutes every single day, no matter what! Giving up video games just bought you several hours a day–use some to write, use some to study so you’ll have the grades you want, some to be creative in another satisfying way. Don’t listen to those negative voices in your head–just acknowledge them and let them float away. We all regret the time we wasted yesterday or last week, but heck, tomorrow is full of promise, so wake up tomorrow and, corny as it sounds, make it the first day of the rest of your life. You have talent, so all you really have to do is hone your craft and believe in yourself. You wrote that you’re almost finished with your novel–great! As soon as it’s finished, start your self-editing. It’s all part of a process, and there isn’t a writer on the planet who hasn’t felt the way you feel, trust me!

    As I said, you can do ANYTHING you believe you can do! When I was 19 and in college, I didn’t believe I had enough talent to write, so I didn’t, and I dropped out of school. Years and years later, I decide that–guess what–I could do anything I believed I could do, and I went back to school to get my English degree; today I make my living doing something I didn’t even dream of back then. Write to me at cyjohnson5580@gmail.com and I’ll share more with you . . . but not tonight, because you’re working on your novel, and that’s the best thing you can do for yourself right now!

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