Imperfection vs Satisfaction

Is anyone ever truly satisfied? I don’t mean satisfied with one or even most parts of their lives; I mean utterly and completely satisfied. My immediate response is “No. I don’t think so.” So the question is; why is that? I think our own personal imperfections play a large part in it.

I’ve been doing fairly well lately. I’ve been getting a lot done on my album and I’ve finally killed songwriter’s block. I’ve set up a few small gigs and I’m going to start looking for more again tomorrow. I even bought a book about the music industry that I intend to read as soon as I get a good chunk of time to. I had an awesome gig last night and an awesome recording session this morning. I was feeling great about myself right up until about 8:30 tonight.

It ended up being super hot today so I decided to goof off, drink some soda and play video games for the afternoon. Well my mom was watching the news when I came down to the kitchen for dinner and apparently they’re having another tornado in Oklahoma. That was a buzz kill to say the least. My friend came over shortly after and we hung out in my basement and watched the Nostalgia Critic (who is freaking hilarious) for a few hours.

So why do I feel so crappy all of a sudden? Why is it that every time I do something remotely unproductive I feel like a loser? So far I have been pretty darn productive this summer, so why do I feel so bad about taking one day off? Maybe it’s because I’m too unrealistic with myself. I need to remind myself that it’s okay and even necessary to have some fun. I am just one girl and nobody ever said it was my job to save the world, even though I want to.

Something I’ve recently come to realize is that I’m a bit of a pushover. I didn’t like discovering that about myself. It worries me because I take a lot of crap from my brother and my friends. I know they’re only jerks in a loving sort of way, but I don’t think it’s funny all the time, and I don’t say anything. I just take it and laugh and act like everything is perfectly fine. It only really bothers me because I’m very nice to them. I can be a “loving jerk” as well, but I know when to turn it off.

This whole thing only really bothers me because I’m worried that if I’m ever in a relationship that I might let the wrong person walk all over me. I think this was an important thing to discover, freak out about and think about, but I currently don’t like it at all.

The whole point I’m trying to make is that my life freaking rocks, but I’m still unsatisfied. My parents are paying cash for me to go to college, I’m close to finishing my first album, I love God and I know he loves me, I have awesome friends, family and stuff, people like my music…. The list goes on. I have absolutely no reason to be feeling remotely unhappy tonight, but I do. On a basic level I think it’s the fact that my life is so good that’s frustrating. I have so much, but a lot of times I feel like I can’t give anything back.

I don’t actually think I’ll ever be completely satisfied even if I do become a famous musician with all kinds of resources to do good in the world because I will always feel like I could be doing more. I guess that isn’t exactly a bad feeling to have per se. I guess the bad feeling I have right now is mostly just impatience, and I guess all I can do is learn to get over it or at least ignore it and keep on trucking. I have to allow myself to have some fun and not feel guilty a out it because having fun is healthy and can be productive in some ways.

Because in my world guinea pigs can fly!

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