I’ve had insomnia off and on lately. I’m not sure why. It’s not so bad. If I can’t sleep I read stuff on my phone and talk at God. If I were him I would have probably told me to shut up and go to sleep by now. It’s nice to have someone to talk to at 3, 4, or 5 in the morning. Usually if it’s at it’s worst I’m able to fall asleep and get a few hours in before I have to get up for the day.
I’ve come to think of God kind of as a storyteller. Often, if I can’t sleep, I just read Scripture, and I find that I like reading God’s stories, even if they’re not exactly happy. I don’t mean to imply that I think any part of Scripture is fictional or false. I just mean that a lot of it is narrative, and I like those parts. I’ve also really come to think of Jesus not just as my Savior, but really, truly as my friend. I’ve recently finished reading all four Gospels, and I feel like I’m really getting to know him. Last night I was at a worship service at my church, and I sort of realized in a truer sense–I came to know and maybe feel, not just believe–that Jesus is alive. It’s kind of hard to explain how I feel about that, so I’m just going to go with the simplest option. In my twenty-three-year-old-twenty-first-century mind, it’s incredible and amazing and spectacularly weird. I know and actually love someone who I’ve never seen in person. I worship a man-who-is-God whose voice I’ve only heard in dreams.
I’m writing this because I’m on the verge of an extremely important decision. Rather, a decision I’ve already made is quickly becoming more solidified. I’ve begun talking to my priest about what it could mean; what it really looks like to dedicate myself entirely to God. I am prepared to make sacrifices. I am prepared to do what it takes. That doesn’t make it any less scary. I’ve got questions. What does it really mean to take up my cross and follow Jesus? What does it mean to love him more than I love anyone else? What does it mean to pray without ceasing? How do I do what he wants me to when a million things, including myself, get in the way, or at least try to? While I’m awake at stupid 0’clock in the morning, I find myself asking “why” a lot. Why did God do X, Y, Z? Why did he tell his peeps to do X, Y, Z? I have to work some of that out, too.
Admittedly, some of this does cause me to worry, and I’ve had to remind myself just to worry about this moment and let God lead. Just in the past couple of days or so, several things have been sort of showing me that I’m headed in the right direction–mostly things I’ve been reading generally by accident. It seems like a lot of my spiritual milestones have been happy accidents until I look at them in retrospect.
So here’s what I’ve been leading up to… This is my formal declaration to all my friends and family, and of course, to the readers of this blog. I am giving my life entirely to Jesus. My next move is to figure out if that means becoming a Sister. I think some of you probably saw this coming. You now have license to make all the jokes you want. Admittedly, it’s kind of funny. I did not see this coming. Know that this will change me. How, I don’t know yet, but it will change me for the better. Also know that I will always be a giant nerd. I will always be kind of weird. I will always be a writer. I will always be a total rock star. I will always be a space cadet. I will always be me.
Because in my world guinea pigs can fly!