I have to close my eyes a lot in church now. It’s odd to me, but I kind of have to block the world out. Part of it is because of my relation to music, and how music and faith are tied together for me. At the beginning, I would sing because I liked to and because I could, and maybe because I just thought I was supposed to. After learning more about God and the Church and the reason for meeting together to worship, I sang because very few others did and because I was trying to encourage them to. Now I close my eyes. I pray and sing as if there’s no one else in the world but me and Jesus. Even when I have to look at the sheet music for a song, I sing as if there’s no one else to sing to.
I usually go to church on Saturdays because I’m not much of a morning person, and I came to understand; I came to actually feel something yesterday. After taking the Eucharist, I usually sit in my spot and pray. I pray for my friends, I pray for peace, I pray for our country… So probably all the stuff anyone would pray for at that time. Yesterday I just sat there and, to the best of my ability, thought of nothing except God.
On the way to the car, I found myself involuntarily grinning, and for a moment, it was difficult for me not to cry. I had touched God. Earlier this week I read some prayer tips. One of the tips was (in my words): “Shut up.” Prayer is supposed to be like a conversation. I know I talk a lot when I pray.
Last night I was having issues with my epilepsy. It sometimes doesn’t agree with my girly hormones and… You probably get the idea. I was trying to pray and couldn’t. The only thing I could get out was: “Father!” My brain wouldn’t let me think coherently. Eventually it got a little better and I was able to pray. Then I went to sleep.
This morning I came to an important conclusion. I have to learn how to pray without words.
Because in my world guinea pigs can fly!