I Was Angry At God

Two or three weeks ago I slept late. My cousin was at my house, and he, my brother, and my parents were trying to decide where to go for food. I invariably wake up hungry. After some deliberation we decided on a Mexican restaurant nearby. Between the time we left the house and the time we arrived, my epilepsy started acting up so that by the time we were ready to order, I couldn’t speak and my dad had to order for me. Most of the time my epilepsy doesn’t do much other than stop me from processing language.

For some reason I usually tend to have problems at home, or at least some place where I can escape from humans. This time was an exception, and on top of that, it was “girl time,” my hormones were a little wonky, and I was rather emotional about the whole thing. I don’t like people to see when I’m having problems. I want to just hide until it’s over. This time I couldn’t, and it pissed me off royally. By the time we got home my brain was fine, but I wasn’t. I went in my room and did the only thing I could. I went to bed and silently screamed.

I screamed, I cried, and I flipped out at the only person I knew I could; the person who loves me most. I didn’t want to be around people, but I didn’t want to be alone. I was angry at God for letting this happen. At the same time, I needed him. Any other person would have run for the hills if they had even an idea of how mad I was.

In less than an hour, my anger turned to desperation. I yelled, but my plea was, “Don’t leave me!” He didn’t leave. I knew he was there the whole time. What I’ve learned from this is that God is unfair partly because the world is unfair. I’ve also come to believe more that God uses our bad experiences to bring us closer to him and teach us things if we let him.

Last night I had insomnia because I slept late yesterday, and had brain fuzz pretty early, which made me sleepy, so I went to bed around ten-thirty. I woke up around one-thirty because my bird started screeching for no discernible reason. I was thoroughly awake at that point, so I started talking. For some reason, I find that the middle of the night is a good time to pray.

A lot of time has passed, but it was still bothering me that I got mad at God. The fact of the matter is, though, that I loved him, even in the deepest, darkest, angriest corner of my mind. I held nothing back, and he took it. He stayed, and when I realized that what I was doing was wrong, he stayed, and all this time while I’ve been trying to figure out how to make it up to him, and realizing I can’t, he’s stayed. I’ve thought about going to confession about this, but I got mad at God about something once before and my priest said it basically wasn’t a sin as long as I deal with it in a reasonable, healthy way. The truth is, God helped me work through it in that one hour. I know he’s forgiven me. I’m having trouble forgiving myself, and I need his help to do that.

I was finally able to put into words what the root of the problem was today. It’s been bothering me all this time because my anger was misdirected and unfair in the exact opposite way that God’s love is unfair. God loves those who don’t deserve it. I was angry at the one who deserved my anger the least. It’s often difficult for me to view my epilepsy in a positive light, but it’s at times like this that I am able to. The world is unfair, but so is God.

Because in my world guinea pigs can fly!

8 thoughts on “I Was Angry At God

      1. Ha..somebody out there is probably wondering why I said what I said!

        It wasn’t anything profound really. Just that I think anger is part of all of us, even anger at God.

        I’ve had a couple of times when I was mad at Him and even those who believe in Him. I have literally said, “If this is how God and those who follow Him act, I don’t even know why I am one!”

        I am pretty sure He was not pleased by that, but I also know he forgave me for it.

  1. Why didn’t he deserves it? He made you didn’t he? He could heal you couldn’t he? He loves you doesn’t he? Is he sovereign over the conditions and events of your life, or is he not?
    I understand being angry at a god who seems not to give a flying… Guinea Pig about your life or epilepsy.
    If he is able as you believe he is, and willing, as you also believe, then why is he not healing, and why has he made you thus?
    I understand being angry at a god who is able but unwilling or simply impotent to assist.
    The biblical God is not there to assist. It’s in your mind. It’s a myth from a story book/books built from cultural stories meant to try to make sense of the world around them.
    But it isn’t true. The God represented in the bible is not existent in reality.

    1. First, the fact that the Biblical God exists was not in question. You will not convince me that he doesn’t. I’m not going to try and convince you that he does because that was not the purpose of this post.

      Second, yes, God loves me, and could heal me. He is omnipotent and has a plan for the universe, and for my life. I don’t understand all of it, so if he doesn’t heal me, he has a good reason for it. I do know that without him, I wouldn’t be able to handle it, but with him, I absolutely can.

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