Tag Archives: Afterlife

Eternity And A Better Day

Today is a better day. Last night I prayed, and I said, “Lord, I’m still a mess. I need your help. What do I do?” I felt him say to me, “Come see me tomorrow,” so I went to daily Mass first thing today. Then I got breakfast and coffee. I hung out in the Kitchen and procrastinated for a bit, and then I answered an email, prayed, and got to work on my mythology. Life goes on. I won’t pretend I’m completely done being sad, but I’m getting better. I’m finding work helps. I’m at a point where I have a really good framework for the mythology, so I can work on several stories at once. Today I started working on four intertwined stories, three of which have to do with Realms of the Abyss, and one of which has to do with two characters who form a very odd friendship.

I started working on all four of these stories at once because I didn’t know how to start just one of them. I felt like I couldn’t write it start to finish without knowing details from the other stories. Realistically, I probably would have had a much easier time working on the mythology if I had worked in this way to begin with, but now I know. I also recently started keeping track of what I’ve done and what I need to edit or get rid of. I had been doing this in my head all along, but it was getting hard to keep track of, especially when obscure details start to be important.

I have got a start on the four stories I’m working on, but only a start. Weaving them together won’t be difficult, but I’m not far enough along yet, and getting them to that point is a bit perplexing. These four stories are also weaved together with other stories, and I don’t want to be redundant. I also have a somewhat difficult time with “backstory.” There are some spirits in the Abyss whose sole interest is understanding the timeline of eternity. I wrote this into the book because honestly, I’m rather interested in it. We make up beginnings and ends. There was a first moment in time, and according to the Bible, there will be a last, but the beginning and end of time as we understand it aren’t the beginning or end of forever. God exists in forever. I want to know about that.

Eternity is uncomfortable in real life, and the discomfort of it is intentionally underscored in my book. We write stories, in part, because we like beginnings and ends. Beginnings and ends give us a sense of certainty. I believe in an afterlife, and an afterlife is outside of time. An afterlife takes place in eternity. There’s an afterlife system in my book, but in that afterlife system there is no love, and no mercy: only justice. In the real world, that’s not the case. Today in Mass I understood something that I already knew, but didn’t fully understand. Love hurts, and no one knows that better than Jesus. Love himself hurts for me and with me. I wrote yesterday that I had a hard time saying that, because I was so sad, I had a hard time truthfully saying that I trusting Jesus. I can confidently say now that I trust him, and I’m sorry I almost didn’t. He’s taught me a lot while I work on a bunch of fantasy stories. He’s cool like that.

Because in my world guinea pigs can fly!

God’s Timing

Yesterday we drove out of the mountains of Vermont and headed back to Massachusetts. On Friday we had arrived in the mountains for Vermont’s funeral. Of course death is sad, but something about this death made me angry. On Friday night I couldn’t eat much. I just felt drained. I’m really bad at dealing with sad things. I just don’t like other people to see me cry or that I’m upset. Because of that, I couldn’t cry until ten PM on Friday when I was in my room in the hotel alone. I can cry to Jesus because he knows I’m upset anyway. What I really wanted, though was not for him to hear me. I didn’t want him to see and to take my tears. What I wanted more than anything was for him to hold me and let me cry into him until I was done.

Yesterday, when we were about half an hour from home, my best friend called asking if she could borrow my dad’s soldering iron to modify her snake’s tank. Incidentally, she also didn’t have to work today, so I invited her to hang out when we got home. When she got to my house my dad was in the middle of replacing one of my wheelchair parts, but when he finished my friend and I went downstairs, my mom went out to get food, and my dad stayed upstairs. I had been debating it, but I finally couldn’t help myself, or maybe I couldn’t stop myself. I spilled the beans.

I told her everything. I told her how angry and sad this was making me, though I didn’t know why. I told her that I didn’t like to cry around people as I started crying hard. I told her how unfair it was because it was completely unexpected and out of the blue. She asked me if I wanted a hug. I hesitated for a second, but then I said, “Yes.” She held me and I cried for a long time. Then we played a dumb video game that I’m way too good at. After that we watched videos of assorted big cats being adorable. Then we watched a kids’ movie. I realized last night that Jesus knew that what I needed and wanted most was a hug from him. Since he couldn’t hug me in person, he sent my friend, knowing I would trust her with this. I told her that in that moment, she was Jesus for me. She just happened to call, needing a favor at just the right time. She didn’t exactly know what to do with that, but I wanted her to know. I went to bed a little after midnight and decided to go to church at a parish one town over instead of our home church this morning because the other church has an afternoon Sunday Mass, and I wanted to sleep in.

I thought sleep would help me recover from my emotional roller coaster. My dad caught me crying in church this afternoon. It was right before communion. He asked me if I was okay. I said I was. He asked me why I was crying, then. I said I wasn’t done being sad. Both are true. I am okay. I’m just sad. I don’t think these are mutually exclusive. The Gospel reading today was about when Jesus is recruiting his disciples. The priest said that his mission statement was, “Repent and believe in the Gospel.” The Gospel is the Good News that God loves us and made a way for us to be with him forever.

After church I asked myself, “do you believe the Gospel? Do you believe in what Jesus said and did? Do you believe in the afterlife? Do you believe in Heaven? Do you believe in God’s love? Do you believe in his mercy? Do you trust him?” At that moment I truthfully could say “Yes” to all of these, but it was hardest to say “Yes” to the last two. At this church we sometimes go to, they use more contemporary music instead of the more traditional hymns you might expect at a Catholic church. A line from the closing song sticks with me right now. “Your grace is enough for me.” I know that’s true. I don’t remember the context, but I know that we are commanded to praise God even when it feels like the world is crap. Therefore, I’ll end this post with a few lines from one of my own songs.

I will sing. Hallelujahs. ‘Cause there is good in things. And I believe it. I can see that it’s true. And it’s beautiful.