Tag Archives: Bad News

Winter Light

We changed the clocks back a couple of days ago. It’s cold and windy, and it’s getting dark awfully early now. There’s no way around it; it’s November, and Winter is fast approaching. I probably do more than my fair share of griping about Winter. Because I use a wheelchair, I have relatively bad circulation in my feet, so if I’m outside for any length of time on a cold or windy day, I get cold and stay cold. If I had an idol, it probably would be the space heater in my bedroom. At least I haven’t got to the point of naming it.

This Winter is feeling different than most, though. For the past few years, there has always been a new episode of Star Wars out around Christmas. As awesome as that is, I can only get so excited about a movie series. The reason I’m actually pretty stoked about this Winter, is that it will usher in a new member of our family. My godson is due to be born in January. I got him all kinds of Star Wars themed baby clothes because his parents are just as nerdy as I am.

What I’m really excited about, though, is his baptism. The baby clothes were more a gift for his parents, but I got him a personal gift from me. I was driving myself crazy trying to think of a good gift to give to a baby that would make sense and mean something to him when he’s older. Finally I gave up–sort of. Lately, it’s seemed like God has been letting me get stuck on purpose so I have to ask for help. As my mom and I were driving home from running errands, I said, “Lord, I am seriously out of ideas. Can you give me something?” It came instantly.

I got him a stuffed animal sparrow that makes little chirps when you squeeze it, and I’m going to have my dad make a nest for it. The idea is from the Sermon on the Mount. Jesus said that God cares for all His creation. He cares very much, even for each individual sparrow. Therefore, He said, there’s no reason for anyone to be afraid because a human being is worth much more than a multitude of sparrows. I’m going to write my godson a letter to put in the sparrow’s nest explaining it. I don’t know his name yet because I thought his parents were sold on Max, but they’ve decided they also like Luke, so they want to see him, and then they’ll decide. I like both.

Usually I associate Winter with darkness and boredom. Usually I see Winter as something to endure. This Winter is going t o be different. Jesus said that we are the light of the world. I don’t know his name yet, but I’ve been praying that my godson becomes a saint. I just know he can set the world on fire. God knows us and loves us even before we exist. I usually didn’t give this a whole lot of thought until I found out my godchild was a boy. For some reason, seeing the sonogram, and knowing his gender made me fall in love. This Winter is different because unlike most Winters, I see light on the horizon. I know that little light will drool, and poop, and cry, and otherwise be an annoying baby, but he’ll still be a bright and beautiful annoying baby.

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Getting Tired Of This

Is anyone else getting tired of hearing about ISIS? I just read a report talking about another attack on several Christian villages that took place yesterday. ISIS is scary because they are making progress. They are accomplishing their goals. They are successfully conducting attacks on innocent people, destroying entire villages and getting away with it. It absolutely baffles me that the U.S., or anyone for that matter isn’t doing more to stop them.

I know that we’re all tired of war. I personally believe that war is fundamentally wrong. However, there comes a point where we have a moral obligation to defend our brothers and sisters. When I say that they are our brothers and sisters, I don’t mean to sound churchy. I mean that they; that we are all members of the human family. We are all connected, and even though we are far away, we have a responsibility to and for them. Furthermore, it is not simply the innocents who are our family. The members of ISIS are also our family, whether we like it or not.

I do not advocate violence; I do not advocate revenge or active retaliation. I advocate defense, and I advocate prayer. Ultimately, if we cannot physically be there to defend our family, we must pray for them. We must spread the word and let the world know what is happening. We must pray for our enemies, as well as our friends. We must educate and defend the vulnerable in our own country. We must spread love in any way we can so that in the future thisĀ does not happen.

We must not hate them because they are violent. We must not hate them because we do not understand them. Though it is difficult, we must pity them and pray for them because they do not know love.

Because in my world guinea pigs can fly!

Imperfection vs Satisfaction

Is anyone ever truly satisfied? I don’t mean satisfied with one or even most parts of their lives; I mean utterly and completely satisfied. My immediate response is “No. I don’t think so.” So the question is; why is that? I think our own personal imperfections play a large part in it.

I’ve been doing fairly well lately. I’ve been getting a lot done on my album and I’ve finally killed songwriter’s block. I’ve set up a few small gigs and I’m going to start looking for more again tomorrow. I even bought a book about the music industry that I intend to read as soon as I get a good chunk of time to. I had an awesome gig last night and an awesome recording session this morning. I was feeling great about myself right up until about 8:30 tonight.

It ended up being super hot today so I decided to goof off, drink some soda and play video games for the afternoon. Well my mom was watching the news when I came down to the kitchen for dinner and apparently they’re having another tornado in Oklahoma. That was a buzz kill to say the least. My friend came over shortly after and we hung out in my basement and watched the Nostalgia Critic (who is freaking hilarious) for a few hours.

So why do I feel so crappy all of a sudden? Why is it that every time I do something remotely unproductive I feel like a loser? So far I have been pretty darn productive this summer, so why do I feel so bad about taking one day off? Maybe it’s because I’m too unrealistic with myself. I need to remind myself that it’s okay and even necessary to have some fun. I am just one girl and nobody ever said it was my job to save the world, even though I want to.

Something I’ve recently come to realize is that I’m a bit of a pushover. I didn’t like discovering that about myself. It worries me because I take a lot of crap from my brother and my friends. I know they’re only jerks in a loving sort of way, but I don’t think it’s funny all the time, and I don’t say anything. I just take it and laugh and act like everything is perfectly fine. It only really bothers me because I’m very nice to them. I can be a “loving jerk” as well, but I know when to turn it off.

This whole thing only really bothers me because I’m worried that if I’m ever in a relationship that I might let the wrong person walk all over me. I think this was an important thing to discover, freak out about and think about, but I currently don’t like it at all.

The whole point I’m trying to make is that my life freaking rocks, but I’m still unsatisfied. My parents are paying cash for me to go to college, I’m close to finishing my first album, I love God and I know he loves me, I have awesome friends, family and stuff, people like my music…. The list goes on. I have absolutely no reason to be feeling remotely unhappy tonight, but I do. On a basic level I think it’s the fact that my life is so good that’s frustrating. I have so much, but a lot of times I feel like I can’t give anything back.

I don’t actually think I’ll ever be completely satisfied even if I do become a famous musician with all kinds of resources to do good in the world because I will always feel like I could be doing more. I guess that isn’t exactly a bad feeling to have per se. I guess the bad feeling I have right now is mostly just impatience, and I guess all I can do is learn to get over it or at least ignore it and keep on trucking. I have to allow myself to have some fun and not feel guilty a out it because having fun is healthy and can be productive in some ways.

Because in my world guinea pigs can fly!