Tag Archives: Christianity

No Normal

I’m starting work (meaning working on my book) late today for two reasons. I had to take care of some other stuff, which is now done, and because my dad is traveling for work this week, which my schedule is more adjustable, anyway. I wasn’t intending to write a blog post, but in the course of doing my things that needed to get done, I came across this quote:

“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”

Last night I came to the conclusion that while there is stability sometimes, there is no “normal.” In the past year, I’ve had to adjust to a “new normal” several times. This concept really solidified in my mind after Vermont’s funeral. At the time I had a desperate, but hopeful thought that eventually things would go “back to normal.” Then it hit me that they wouldn’t. Our family would have to adjust to a new normal. On a happier note, my brother is finishing his Bachelor’s degree this year, and will be commuting to school to get his Master’s (because he’s actually a genius). Finally all of our friends will be at home, generally at the same time. It will almost be like when we were kids. It will almost be like going back to what was normal for so many years.

Except it won’t. I still don’t know exactly what the future holds, but I’ve been trying to get in touch with a Secular Institute, which is a kind of religious organization that, in this particular case, helps people with disabilities, like myself, consecrate themselves entirely to God. I can’t entirely truthfully say that I don’t care about the consequences. I’m going to pursue this no matter the cost, but I don’t know how my friends will react. I want them to know that I’m still a total nerd and weirdo who will continue to play fantasy games with them. The only difference is that I’m officially making an unbreakable commitment to God. That will be a new normal for everyone to get used to, including myself.

I brought up the quote at the beginning of this post because I decided to do my “spiritual stuff” before work instead of after work today. Part of that “spiritual stuff” is just making sure I read something from Scripture. I had an idea of what I was going to read, but when I went to the website I usually use to read the Bible, this was the “verse of the day,” and for some reason, it sunk in deep, and it seemed like I just needed to leave it at that and think about it.

I do pray a lot. It’s often just conversational. The first part, “Rejoice always,” however, is difficult for me. It’s not about an emotional kind of joy. It’s about knowing, and being satisfied with the fact that Jesus saved us. That is always worth celebrating, even if whatever “new normal” we’re in is complicated, or weird, or even painful. The Gospel reading for this weekend was about when Jesus says to his apostles, “I no longer call you slaves, I call you friends.” Our priest explained that he said this to prepare them for what was about to happen. Before we are saved, we are slaves to sin. Jesus bought our freedom at a price.

At first, As I got to know Jesus, whenever I thought about that steep price, my response was always, “I’m sorry.” He’s had to teach me that I’m worth that to him, and because I’m worth that to him, I am objectively worth it. With his help, my response has changed to, “Thank you.” The fact of the matter is, my God intimidates me. The idea that anyone would go that far for me is insane, but the idea that the God of the Universe would go that far is both baffling and kind of scary.

I have to remind myself that God’s power is in his love. Jesus says in the Gospel that he is gentle and humble of heart. Saint Paul says that love is tender and kind. Sometimes the “new normal” sucks, but God is faithful. He is only ever good. If there is nothing else to be thankful for, remember that you’re still breathing; remember that you’re heart is till beating; remember that you’re alive; remember that the God of the universe wants to know you. That is something to be thankful for.

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What Did It Sound Like?

Ever since Easter I’ve been wondering off and on what Jesus’ resurrection sounded like, and how it might be rendered musically. I realized as I was praying a few minutes ago that I’m thinking about it too much, or maybe just too intellectually. There are, doubtless, many things no one can know about what happened at the tomb right when it happened, but certain things can be known, or at least, could be plausible.

There were soldiers stationed there overnight. What I imagine is a couple of comrades in arms muttering to each other because they were tired. With a sigh of relief, they see the dawn slowly approaching. It’s very quiet because it’s so early and because they wouldn’t have the noise of the city that we’re used to. It would be nearly, if not completely silent. Then the sun would come over the horizon, and they would hear something different.

They would be confused by the sound of powerful wings like nothing they had heard before. Then, maybe they would and maybe they wouldn’t see the angel, but something strange would happen. They would yell and undoubtedly, run away, maybe to tell someone, maybe to hide, or maybe just to try and rationalize what was happening and try to convince each other that they were not crazy.

The Angel would then role away the stone, revealing the entrance to the tomb. I don’t know what angels sound like or look like, but I do know what large stones being rolled on the ground sounds like. It would be reasonably loud, especially if it were pushed away with force, which it probably was. The light would flood into a previously pitch dark space, and Jesus would push away the shroud, take a breath, know what had happened, and step outside. Maybe he would talk to the angel, and maybe not. Maybe he left instructions for the angel to tell the women what to say when they came and found the tomb empty.

There are a lot of maybe’s in there. There’s ultimately too much I don’t know. Somehow, though, I just want the whole thing to be louder. I want to know what happened to the soldiers. I’ve never really thought about them before. To me, they’ve never really been an important part of the story. Thinking about it, though, to Jesus, everyone is an important part of the story. He knew who those soldiers were. He cared about them. Maybe at some point those same soldiers came to know Jesus through his Apostles. Then again, maybe not, but I don’t think they would have been unaffected by what happened. I guess this went in a different direction than I was intending, but it’s interesting to think about.

Because in my world guinea pigs can fly!

That’s Life

I’ve been trying for days to write something interesting and profound. I’m obviously trying too hard. This is just a life update because I can’t think of anything else to write.

For various reasons my sleep schedule has been messed up this week. I’ve been trying to get back on track, so far with minimal success. I also haven’t got a lot of work done on my book, though I’m almost done with one of my longer stories, and I really need to finish this one because I’ve come up with a magic system, and I’m using this story as an experiment to see if it works. I find it often helps to figure things out as I go along. It often complicates things, but the project is reasonably organized right now.

It’s been super warm out the past couple of days, which is most excellent. I’ve had terrible cabin fever. Because it’s New England, it basically went from winter to summer in a matter of days. It does that around here. I was just waiting for it. This winter was long. There wasn’t a whole lot of snow, but it was cold for a very long time. My idea of cold is anything below sixty degrees, though.

I’m currently rereading the¬†Inheritance Cycle¬†by Christopher Paolini. I just started the second book. I’m completely addicted. I had read the first book twice, but this is just my second time reading the whole series. It’s partly because of my addiction that I’ve been staying up way too late. I pretty much don’t watch Netflix or anything anymore. Instead I do this. I realized that I love fantasy so much because it takes my mind off the real world. I think too much.

We had a minor setback on the development of hour house in Maine. They guy who was digging the hole for the foundation did some kind of calculation wrong and had to redo it, but apparently it wasn’t a huge deal. Stuff like that is annoying, though. I really have no idea when we’ll be able to at least camp up there. Even if the house isn’t totally finished, it would be good to just have a place to stay when we visit family and such.

We recently learned that both of the priests at my church will be leaving at some point. They’re being reassigned by the diocese. One of them is going to be working full time at a Catholic school in town, and the other is moving to another town. I’m bummed because I like these guys a lot. They’re my friends. Plus, getting used to someone new will just be odd for a little while. I’m still hopeful, though. I was nervous when the priest we have now was assigned to our parish, and it turned out great.

Speaking of Catholic stuff, my cousin was confirmed last weekend. I was, and I guess really still am his sponsor. I don’t want to be too much of a pest, but I want to try and keep him connected to the faith. After I was confirmed, “church stuff” sort dropped off the face of the earth for a while, and I fared the worse for it. I would have been spared a lot of pain had I actually known Jesus back then. My cousin seems more receptive to it than I was at the time, though, so that’s a good thing.

I just finished another mosaic. I’m kind of obsessed with doing them now. I’m not sure what my next one will be. I’m going to wait for inspiration. The one I finished was harder than my others because I was using materials I wasn’t used to. I’m happy with how it turned out, though. Mostly my ideas have been inspired by religious concepts, but I might try and make a mosaic visual of one of the Realms from my book. That might be hard to do because the Realms are kind of an abstract concept in themselves, plus there are a lot of them.

So as you can see, I’m still pretty boring.

Because in my world guinea pigs can fly!

Thank God

It’s easy to forget to thank God for the little things. That being said,

Thank God for coffee.
Thank God for snow in April because it’s stupid and funny.
Thank God for another day.
Thank God for flowers and bird feathers.
Thank God for music.
Thank God for language.
Thank God for time to procrastinate.
Thank God for space heaters.
Thank God for miracles.
Thank God for his love, even, and especially when it doesn’t make sense.
Thank God for being not just the God of the universe, but for being your Friend; your King; your God.

Because in my world guinea pigs can fly!

That’s A Lot

Within the past week, I’ve got up to 320 followers. I don’t care that other people on here have been blogging for a lot longer than me and have a lot more than that. The fact that anyone is remotely interested in my insane babbling is pretty cool. I figured this would be a good time for a regular, plain old life update.

I’ve figured out how I’m going to complete my book. I’m currently working on a story that’s causing me a little trouble in terms of pacing, and I also have to deal with a language barrier between two different cultures. The book should be finished by the end of this year. I’ve also started working on a magic system, as well as the beginning of a plan for a second book, so I’m really hoping this one sells. Prayers are always appreciated.

I’m going to Maine tomorrow night with my mom. We’re meeting my godmother at a church near her because a priest is coming whose ministry it is to bring relics of the Church to show people all over the world. I don’t know exactly what he’ll be bringing, but one of the things I know for sure will be there is a piece of the True Cross–the cross that Jesus died on. Apparently miracles have been associated with this stuff, so I’m pretty excited. I’m a total nerd for this kind of stuff, and quite frankly, the history alone is super cool.

My brother will be getting his Bachelor’s in biochemical engineering in May. He’ll start classes for his Master’s shortly after that this summer. I’ve tried to understand what he actually wants to do after school at least six times, and it confuses my brain, so I’m sticking to the writing. Regardless, my brother’s super smart and I’m proud of him. I don’t think designing a universe is ultimately less complicated than what he’ll be doing, but he’s certainly much more focused than me. As far as I understand, he’ll be designing plants to mass-produce medicines and such. It sounds boring to me, but I mentally live in fantasy land, so what do I know?

We’ve made some progress on our house in Maine. it’s currently resting six feet off the ground on some pillars, and we’ve got some workers to come and pour a foundation for it. This project is both hilarious and disturbing to me. I still think my parents are insane. Once the foundation is done, our builder (Mom’s cousin) is going to build a new floor over it. Then we’ll drop the house back down–not literally. Then he’ll get to work busting it up and building new stuff where old stuff has to be replaced. I really hope I get to do a little demolition, even just some small stuff. I admit I have a taste for breaking things. Maybe that’s why I like making mosaics.

I’ve finished three so far. One was of a coiled ball python on a rounded piece of wood. I gave that to my friend for her birthday, I think a year ago since she has a pet snake. My second was my abstract interpretation of the moment of creation, when God said, “Let there be light.” The one I just finished was another abstract conveying the emotions of the scene when Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead. The one I’m about to start is based on some song lyrics I wrote that are also sort of a prayer. “…There is beauty in black and blue/ Walk far enough and you’ll wear down your shoes/ But you’ll find good in the places you go/ And you’ll find truth somewhere along the road” I’m going to put the Lazarus one in my bedroom in Maine, so that’s stashed away for when we actually start moving in. I’m going to sell the one I’m about to start. I’ll probably start working on it this weekend.

I haven’t had normal work or sleep hours this week. I’ve had stuff going on during the day, which has meant I’ve had to stay up pretty late (eleven PM to two AM kind of thing) and write crazy stuff. We had to take my bird to the vet today to get his claws taken care of. Right now he’s kind of at his most aggressive because he can fly and up until today, he had little demon claws. The worst is that he likes to get into bed with me and snuggle in the morning, but having a bird with demon claws climbing on your face is not fun. I tell him on a daily basis that I’m going to cook him, but I think he knows by now that this is an idle threat. He’s too cute to eat, anyway. We’ll be taking him back in June for a regular check-up and to get his wings done. For such a small animal he’s kind of high maintenance. The trouble is he tricked me into liking him from the get go.

Anyway, that’s pretty much it. God is cool, my brother’s a nerd, writing is fun, but hard, mosaics are cool, breaking stuff is fun, we currently own a floating house, and my bird is evil, but too cute to eat.

Because in my world guinea pigs can fly!

Waiting

Holy Saturday is an awkward day. It’s a weird time between remembering something awful, and anticipating something awesome. I never quite know what to do on this day. I know what to do on Good Friday. Yesterday I woke up at ten thinking, “What would be happening right now?” Then I realized that Jesus would have already been hanging on the cross for an hour. I’m an emotional person. I worked on my book yesterday, but I cried, too, and incessantly looked at the clock until three. I prayed, and thanked him, and started to figure out how magic would work in my universe. Last night I think I figured something out.

On Thursday I watched the Passion of the Christ for the first time. I thought I would cry, but I didn’t. I was just horrified. I’ve tried for a long time to figure out what he sees in me; why he loves me; why I’m worth saving to him. Ultimately, from a human perspective, there’s some lovable, endearing stuff about me, and I know that, but none of that is why he chooses me. He chooses me because I exist. He saves me because he loves me. He loves me because I’m his. Nothing about me makes me more or less worth it. I’m infinitely worth it to him no matter what, simply because he made me.

Still, I’m left with the question. What do I do today? The only person I’d be more than willing to bet knew for sure that Jesus would rise from the dead on the first Easter was his mom, so I wonder what she would have been doing. I imagine she would have been trying to help the apostles get through this day, mainly. Still, even knowing what was going to happen, she did have to watch her son tortured to death just a day earlier. Even for her, I imagine today would have been a day of weird mourning and anticipating. My grandfather died several years ago from Alzheimer’s. It was a long, slow death, and I prayed that God would end his suffering. I don’t know if that was the right thing to pray, but it was honest, and it was sad, but also relieving when he passed. It could only have been relieving because of the hope of Heaven.

I guess that’s kind of what this day is for. This day is for hoping. I never knew my other grandfather. My mom’s dad died of cancer when I was just a year old. I didn’t even know my dad’s father very well because he was quiet, and started getting sick when I was pretty young. Because I hope for Heaven, I look forward to the day I get to hang out with both of them, and other family who I’ve never even known. I’m going to the Easter Vigil tonight. It starts in darkness, but we light up the church passing the fire of one candle to the next, and tonight we get to announce that Christ is risen. Until then, we wait, and we hope, and until he comes in glory, we wait, and we hope.

Because in my world guinea pigs can fly!

Trust

Several weeks ago, in fact it was before Lent began, the Gospel reading was about how Jesus couldn’t fully trust a certain group of people because he knew just how messy human nature is. This crushed me. It left me with the nagging question, “Can he trust me?” That’s a nasty question because the answer is complicated. I wrote a while ago about when I nearly lost a year’s worth of work, but I chose to trust, and I gave the problem to God. I chose to trust him, and my work was restored. The truth is, God knows everything about me. He knows about all my messiness, but I know that trust is a choice.

I recently made a choice. I chose to say “yes” to religious life. I’ve started working with my priest to find the right order for me. This is a really new development, but it feels right. I haven’t entirely embraced this in the past, even though I’ve considered it off and on for quite some time. I haven’t been totally willing to say “yes” before because the fact of the matter is, it makes no sense for him to choose me or trust me. I have no idea what he has in mind for me to do, but I don’t have to know. Last night I was praying my rosary like usual, but instead of trying to simply visualize what was going on, I tried to imagine what Christ might have been feeling during his Passion.

The second decade of the Sorrowful Mysteries of the Rosary focuses on his scourging at the pillar. I saw and heard the whip in my mind. I saw his blood. More importantly, I think, I realized that each of those slashes was one of my sins. His mercy says to me, “You’re worth it.” I’m worth it. He sees something in me that I don’t because I am messy, and not only is he saying that I’m worth that pain, but I’m worth dying for. He’s saying that my soul is worth carrying and taking the guilt for all my sins. With that in mind, how can I say “no” to him? I don’t know what he has in mind for me, and my soul isn’t totally trustworthy in the sense that I am faulty, but God chooses to trust me. What I have failed to grasp in the past is that God chooses to trust, too.

Because in my world guinea pigs can fly!

Mercy

This is what I know of God’s mercy.

God made humanity out of love, knowing we would betray each other and even betray him.

God never stops giving, even when we forget about him.

God chases us down to love us and save us, but doesn’t make us choose him.

God forgives every time we ask for forgiveness.

God saved us despite what it cost him.

God chose adoption over vengeance.

God knows everything about you. He knows your name. He loves you.

Fear Is A Lie

I realized something recently. When I’m working, I listen to Christian music almost exclusively. I’m talking about bands like Tenth Avenue North and Rend Collective. When I’m hanging out with my dad (my mom doesn’t really like music), we almost exclusively listen to secular music. My preferences in both categories don’t cover a hugely wide range of genres because I know what I like. When it comes to movies, I’ll watch almost anything, from romance to action to horror films, as long as the story is good. I don’t mind what some might consider vulgar language, and I don’t mind portrayals of faiths or belief systems that contrast with my own. I’m not afraid of these things.

Similarly, I am beginning to care less and less about what people think when I say that I am Christian, and I believe the Christian God to be the only true God. As I said, I am beginning to care less. As a teenager, I purposefully separated myself from others, but it was not for faith reasons. I had no faith back then. Still, I didn’t care what people thought of me. It was out of spite. Now I have faith, and my God has taught me to love, and now that I do love, I care what people think of me. It’s odd, and ironic. I care what people think because I love. I need people to understand that I believe in absolutes and in objective morality, and though I’m not perfect, I try not to judge. What I am trying to say is that I care less about my image now, and more about whether or not people can see the real me. The real me is Christian.

The world breeds fear. It’s hard to overcome it because the world is just so complicated. There are wars, there is violence, there is hunger, there is sickness, and there is a multitude of other problems, not to mention the supernatural factors. I’ve learned that fear is probably the Devil’s most powerful weapon. The most important thing to remember is that Jesus has already won. That means we’ve already won. My mom and I are listening to a story right now that’s told largely from the perspective of a seventeenth century Jewish woman living in London. At that time in London, apparently the leaders of the Jewish faith condemned theater because it was vulgar. I remember hearing that Christians had very similar sentiments about early Rock ‘n’ Roll, thinking that it was downright evil. They said the same about games such as Dungeons and Dragons when that first came out.

Such fear is nothing but a lie. Of course there are lines that need to be drawn. I don’t listen to certain bands or even just certain songs by bands that I otherwise like because they insult my Lord or my religion, for example. However, fearing something and ignoring or condemning it are two entirely different things. There are things we as Christians can ignore, tolerate, and even enjoy, even when these things are not explicitly Christian. There are also, of course, forms of entertainment or other practices that should be spoken against. Obviously this requires discretion, and I believe there are plenty of people braver and better equipped than myself to do this. My aim in this post is to speak against fear. I’m not a warrior, and I’m not a coward.

I started thinking about this recently because I’ve started getting bored of the same phrases and imagery that are used over and over in so many worship songs. I want real worship, and I want real artistry, not a bunch of lines that are copied and pasted from Scripture on top of yet another new melody. This is done because it is easy, but also because Scripture is the Word of God, and we love it. We trust his word, and it gives us comfort and hope. It is understandable, but it is also overdone. God himself is an artist. His plan and his way of doing things are totally strange, yet beautiful. We are made in his image and likeness, and as Christians, and especially as Christian artists, we should aim to mirror that. Be bold, be strange, venture into the absurd, do not be afraid to love, and above all, do not give into fear.