Tag Archives: Finals

Growing Up With Me

I just read a few posts from 2012-the year I started my blog. It’s interesting to see how the site has grown up as I’ve grown up. I already thought I was a Christian when I started blogging. The truth is, I didn’t personally know Jesus yet. I believed he was the God of the universe, and I vaguely knew that he saved the world, but I didn’t yet understand that he had saved my soul because he genuinely cared about me personally and wanted to be my friend. In 2012 I had some pretty funny, some good, and a lot of naive ideas. My posts were also a lot more varied in terms of subject matter back then, which I guess is neither here nor there. My posts these are largely about work and God, though sometimes they’re about stories in general or random life stuff. The blog has also largely turned into a way of procrastination, as well as a space to dig for treasure, and hopefully find some truth, whether I like that truth or not.

In the almost seven years I’ve kept the blog, I’ve learned a lot and I’ve gained just over three hundred followers. I don’t think all those people come here often, but that’s okay. This blog has been a companion in my many journeys that have taken place in the course of such short a time. It has been my companion through college, finals, insomnia, epilepsy, faith, hope, fear, love, and milestones. In a lot of ways, it’s kept me going. It’s been a place where I can share my truth, which sometimes, as ugly as it can be, just needs to be squirted out in muddy water colors. This is where frustration and triumph happens. This is where failures are confessed and victory proclaimed. This is where messes are made with the joy of a child, and I admit, in the grand scheme of things, I am one.

I write this as an encouragement to all my fellow bloggers, journalists, and writers in general. Tell the truth. Tell your truth, but more importantly, tell God’s truth. Fear nothing. Writing takes courage, and honestly, sometimes clicking the “Publish” button can be terrifying. Click it anyway. Sometimes we write something, expecting it to get us tons of attention, and no one gives us a second glance. Keep writing. In every circumstance, keep writing. When the world is falling apart keep writing. When you’re on cloud nine, write about it because sometimes the rest of us need to hear what cloud nine looks like. Sometimes your good day can be a happy five minutes for someone who is having an otherwise crappy day. Stories, especially true ones, teach us empathy, so write them. Keep writing, and don’t stop. Write without a reason. Write because you like to. Write because you know you’re good at it. Write because you think you’re good at it. Write even if you suck at it because it brings you joy. Just don’t stop.

Because in my world guinea pigs can fly!

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My Brain Has Such Good Timing

Two nights ago I had a really bad dream. It wasn’t scary; in fact, it was really mellow compared to a lot of my dreams. However, what it implied about me as a person was awful.

I have very vivid dreams, and most of the time, they’re just ridiculous and don’t mean anything. Sometimes, though, I know there is something more important going on in my head.

My dream on Sunday night was this:

I was on a tour of this underground museum, and we were in this crypt where they had the bones of a bunch of dead saints in stone boxes. At the end of the tour, the guide said they had the bones of Jesus in another room. A bunch of the people who were also on the tour got all excited so we went into the other room to see. At first the box had Jesus’ name on it, but then it changed to gibberish. Then the tour was over and we all left, at which point I woke up.

At first I just thought the dream was weird, but then I realized that there were several problems with it. First, why would I dream this in the first place? Second, why didn’t I question the guy: where did they find the bones? How did they find them? How did they know whose they were? Third, and I think most importantly, what does it say about my faith?

I spent almost all day yesterday freaking out about this. After a conversation with my friend, however, I came to a conclusion: I don’t doubt God. I don’t doubt his existence, I don’t doubt his power, and I don’t doubt my salvation. I doubt my faith. I think this dream means I’m going to fail somehow, and I don’t want to. My friend suggested that this dream could just be the Enemy being an asshole (my words, not hers) and I hope she’s right. She said that everyone has some little bit of doubt, and sometimes Satan will feed that doubt, so I ought to feed my faith however I can.

I guess I’m not really sure how to do that. I need some kind of assurance. There’s a difference between knowing something and feeling something. I know that God loves me and that we’re okay, but I feel like something is very wrong, and I don’t know exactly what it is, and I ought to just be left behind. That’s what’s really bugging me: I don’t know what the problem is, so I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t even know what to pray for. I know something has to change, and I have to change it. I feel that. I also have to finish a paper, write a completely new paper, finish a fairly large project and study for a really difficult exam before next Monday. My brain has such good timing. I guess all I can do right now is hold on and take a shot in the dark. I’m going to spend a little bit of time tonight trying to figure things out, but distracting myself with school stuff might work just as well, at least for now. Once I’m on break I can focus on it more.

Prayers and comments are appreciated.

Because in my world guinea pigs can fly!

On The Horizon

I just finished my paper MUCH earlier than I thought I would, which is AWESOME because I didn’t and don’t have to stress out about it. For ONCE I planned my time well. I’m so excited my head might explode because after I do my presentation in class today I’m DONE with that class and that professor. Let’s just say he and I didn’t exactly see eye to eye.

Anyway, I thought since I have time to write a good, long blog post that I’d tell you all about some cool stuff that will be going on this summer. As mentioned a thousand times because I’m obsessed, music will be happening this summer! In other news, a girl named Hope from my Creative Writing Nonfiction class had a lovely idea. She sent out an email to the whole class suggesting that we make a list of everyone’s blogs, since apparently half the class or so has a blog. It’ll be pretty cool to see what the peeps are up to. It’s funny because I checked out Hope’s and Kat’s blogs and they’re both a lot more organized and in a way, more serious than mine.

I also had a cool idea as a result of taking that class. One of my essays (writing about faith) was about how I write worship songs (so I could avoid writing about faith) that I titled “Passenger,” which is the title of what is probably my favorite song (out of the one’s I’ve written). My idea was to write a bunch of stories or essays based off of or at least sharing the titles of all my songs. It’s not a huge, crazy endeavor because my “Passenger” essay was around four pages long, and I would sort of model the rest after that. It would be mostly just for fun and I’d probably just publish them on my blog.

That’s about it in terms of cool stuff other than reading and making noise. I’ll probably end up going to Canobie Lake Park with either my cousins or my friends once or twice, ’cause it’s just kind of what we do. We might go up to Portland for the Fourth of July. We haven’t done that in several years, and it would be really cool to do it again. We are going up to Montreal to visit my cousin Amber in a couple weeks. As I mentioned, she was here on Friday, but it’ll be cool to hang out for a whole weekend. She has a job up there this summer, so she won’t be coming home again until Christmas. She’s super nerdy and super fun to hang out with. She’s going to force me to eat french fries with gravy and cheese on them because apparently that’s a thing up there. I can’t decide if it sounds disgusting or pretty good. We also might go to a restaurant where you eat in complete darkness to experience what it’s like to be blind. It’s a cool idea.

Because in my world guinea pigs can fly!

15 Years + 2 Girls = A Lot Of Weird

To be honest I didn’t think I was going to make it this far. I’m about 2/3 of the way done with my final project for my American Lit class, which is definitely going to be my hardest one. I’m almost done with my paper for Music in Worship and I already passed in my creative writing final. Other than that I just have to study for my Romanticism exam, which I don’t think will be too hard. I’m DONE on Wednesday.

I’m very excited because my friend is going to make me a cake and we’re going to watch “I Am Legend.” It was on TV on Friday, but my cousins were over and they don’t like scary end of the world movies. It’ll be sort of a birthday party as well since Julia turned 20 today. We’re both officially 2 decades old and we’ve been friends for 15 years. We’re practically sisters. I’ve always thought it would be weird to have a sister, but I don’t think it would be weird to live with Julia. She’s stayed over for entire weekends before. We hung out in the basement and played Spyro and probably listened to Green Day. Between the 2 of us we probably own every Green Day album. We went through a serious emo-punk phase in middle school.

I got Julia a book for her birthday. I read “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” in high school and I really liked it. I saw the movie a few weeks ago with my mom and I thought Julia would like it. A few days later she came over and we ended up talking about books. She said something along the lines of “Yeah, I don’t know why, but I’ve been into depressing books lately,” and I said, “Oh, good you’ll like what I got you for your birthday then.” “You got me a depressing book?” We laughed.

Because in my world guinea pigs can fly!