Tag Archives: Loss

Losing Or Giving?

At the beginning of Lent I read a few suggestions of things to do when it came to prayer. I’ve actually had a really prayerful Lent so far. I’d say it’s going well. I haven’t been perfect about my fasting, but I chose a pretty difficult fast. Anyway, one suggestion that seemed like a good idea was to read through the Gospel of Mark start to finish. The suggestion was to read it all in one go, but I’m taking it really slowly, and reading a chapter per day, or even less than that if I feel God wants me to stay with something for a while.

The other night I couldn’t sleep. I woke up at 3:00, and immediately knew I was done for the night, so I said, “Lord, I’ll stay up with you if you want.” I got this feeling that He wanted me to read through His Passion. I Went online and read it, slowly, and stopped where I felt like He wanted me to. I’ll admit I cried. I just finished reading “Consoling the Heart of Jesus” by Father Michael Gaitley, which I highly recommend. In it, he talks about how Christ really does suffer with us. In a revelation to Saint Faustina, Jesus said that, if her duties permitted, she should make the Stations of the Cross at 3:00. The 3:00 hour, He says, is the Hour of Mercy. Because He died at this time, He said to Saint Faustina that He will be exceptionally merciful.

Yesterday and today I made this prayer. Between that and finishing the book, I can honestly say that I’ve fallen deeper in love with Jesus. Yesterday, two other significant things happened. I read Mark 8: 35, which is where Jesus says, “…whoever wants to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake, and for the sake of the gospel, will save it.” For eons this has confused the heck out of me. For some reason, though, I stopped there, and kept it with me for the rest of the day. Later, I finished re-writing a song. I struggled with this re-write. It took me three hours or so. Incidentally, though, this idea of losing my life for His sake ended up in the new version, and I realized that I wasn’t losing anything.

Jesus lost His life for our sake, but what He really did was give His life to us. I’ve chosen to follow Him. The idea of losing my life is scary, but the idea of giving my life to Him because I love Him isn’t. The idea of losing something leaves this nasty feeling of uncertainty. When you lose something or someone, there’s a kind of emptiness that needs to be filled. Sometimes this is easy. If you accidentally left a water bottle somewhere, in other words, if you’ve lost it, you can easily get another one. It’s a little trickier when you’ve lost your phone, for example because that might have had important personal information on it. It would be especially difficult for me because I use my phone to write my song lyrics, and I haven’t transferred them all to my computer. It’s especially hard when you lose a loved one because that person is literally irreplaceable.

On the other hand, giving something away doesn’t leave that empty feeling that losing does. If you give something as a gift, especially, you know where it is, you know who has it, and you know that it’s treasured (ideally). Jesus revealed to several saints that what really bothers Him most is that the gift of His life is not appreciated by so many people. What consoles Him is when we do accept and treasure His sacrifice and His life. Losing my life sounds terrifying, for obvious reasons, but giving it to Jesus, who I know treasures it, isn’t scary at all. I know who I belong to, and I know my gift is treasured.

That probably isn’t too terribly insightful, but that’s what I got for tonight. 🙂

The Sky Did Not Fall

I’ve written about half of my mythology. Yesterday, a file went temporarily missing, which constituted a significant portion of what I had written, as well as a log of what I had finished. I had finished half a book. I thought I had lost nearly all of it. After an initial panic attack, I did something I normally never would have done. I looked for it for a bit, but then I gave up. It wasn’t the kind of giving up that feels like ultimate defeat, though. I decided that this was God’s book, and if it was gone, I would just start over. There was nothing else I could do. It seemed simple enough. Don’t get me wrong, I thought I had lost a year’s worth of work, and it sucked, but I realized that I couldn’t hold onto something that was presumably gone.

This is my fourth attempt at writing a book, and I wasn’t just going to drop the project, so I prayed. I said, “Father, this is your book. If it’s lost, then I don’t see much I can do about that, but I will start over because it’s yours, not mine, and I want to finish it for you. Maybe you have something better in mind that I haven’t even come up with. I really want to get this thing back, but your will be done, not mine.” I knew I might be able to get it back if I had help, but I’m technologically inept, and my brother and my dad were both out of town last night. There was literally nothing else to do, so I prayed the Chaplet of Divine Mercy, read some scripture, and waited for my friends to come over, since we had made plans earlier that day. We hung out, talked about Star Wars, and watched the latest episode of Runaways, then they left, and I went to bed. I ended up having insomnia last night, so I slept very late today. My dad had got an early flight home from New York, and got to the house before I was awake, which was around three thirty. He did some work stuff, Mom and I went to get coffee, and then he helped me rescue my book. The sky did not fall.

The sky didn’t fall for three reasons. The first was that I was prepared for the worst. The second was that I trusted my dad. The third is that I trusted the Lord. As a Christian, and really as a realistic, rational person, I can simultaneously expect the worst and hope for the best. I keep coming back to a very important lesson God taught me recently. He can take my almost nothing, and turn it into something awesome. He could take all the work I had done, and even the loss of that work, and turn it into something better than anything I had planned. Even recently with a supposed lost like this, I probably would have had the expected panic attack, and just given up, but yesterday, because I was able to give the disaster to God, I was able to look forward to the next step. I was able to think to myself, “Well, there’s one final thing I can do. My dad might know how to get this back. If he can’t, then I know now how the Abyss works, even if I can’t get all the actual content back. I can work off of what I have and let it go from there.” Today, hope and trust won out, and the sky did not fall.

Because in my world guinea pigs can fly!

Broken Heart

On Thursday I went to Adoration like I usually do, and I went to confession like I often have to. I confessed that I’ve been struggling with a certain temptation, and I sometimes give into it, but I don’t think I’ve given in lately. I also confessed that a very long time ago, when I first came back to God, I didn’t understand the sacraments and that I felt like I sort of misused them because of that, but that this was something that I just hadn’t confessed because I keep forgetting to. I also confessed that sometimes, after I know God has forgiven me for something, I have trouble forgiving myself. The priest absolved me, and told me that I’m a holy woman.

A lot of people have been telling me that lately. My best friend has told me that several times. I sort of wrote it off because she’s agnostic. Then another friend who I don’t really see very often told me the same thing at her aunt’s wake. My mom has told me that I’m a holy person, but I kind of thought she was joking. My godfather has implied it. Now my priest is saying it. I don’t think I’m a holy person. I’m working at it.

I recently read a horribly depressing article. It was about what crucifixion actually does to the human body, and how people who were crucified actually died from asphyxiation after horribly long periods of time. It said that Jesus most likely did not die in this way because Biblical and scientific evidence suggest that he most likely died from heart failure. The really horrible part came next. It explained that heart failure can be the result of deep longing, loss, and/or rejection. This is especially common among elderly people who have lost a partner they have loved and been with for a very long time. In other words, people can die of a broken heart. In other words, Jesus died of a broken heart.

Jesus died for sins I haven’t even committed yet. When he was on the cross, he knew I was going to leave him. He knew I wasn’t going to care for several years. I don’t care that I was seventeen. My instinct is to say that I’m sorry. The thing is, I’ve said I’m sorry more times than I know, and I know he’s forgiven me. Peter rejected him three times; pretended he didn’t know him, and Jesus made him the first Pope. Last night I had a thought. “I’ve said I’m sorry, and he’s forgiven me. What do you say when someone’s forgiven you?” Then it hit me. It was stupid, really. “You say, ‘Thank you.'”