Tag Archives: Patience

What A Dumb Bird Has Taught Me

If you asked me what my most prized possession is, I would probably tell you it’s my bird. Seamus proved to me that love-at-first-sight actually can happen. We got him from a bird breeder in New Hampshire. on the way there, my mom reminded me that we might not be getting a bird that day. We didn’t know if their birds were healthy, or friendly. When we arrived, one of the breeders said they had three birds available for adoption. They had a green-cheeked conure, and two sun conures. They brought out the green-cheeked conure first, and handed him to me. He immediately scurried up my chest and nestled under my ear. He was exceedingly small, and his feathers were, for the most part, an unremarkable dark green.

The breeders said that conures didn’t usually take to strangers very quickly, and that this was not normal behavior. I loved this bird immediately, but I agreed to see the other two. The two sun conures wanted nothing to do with me. They were bigger than the green-cheek, and were bright yellow and orange, but I asked to see the little guy again. A second time, he climbed up and hid under my ear. I didn’t care that he was small and not very colorful. He liked me, and he was cuddly, and that was what mattered.

We bought him a cage, and food, and a few toys, and brought him home. The breeders had said that we should leave him in his cage for a little while and let him get used to our house, but he wanted nothing to do with that. He wanted to be with and on us. The next day, or maybe the day after, we took him to the vet to make sure he was healthy, and to get a blood test. The only way to know a conure’s gender is by their DNA, and apparently female’s can sometimes lay eggs, and we didn’t really want to deal with that. Luckily, it turned out our little guy was, indeed, a guy, so we named him Seamus, after the poet Seamus Heaney.

I love Seamus for the same reasons anyone would love their pet: he’s funny, he’s soft and, he’s cuddly. I love him, too, though simply because he’s mine, and because he loves me; actually, I really do think Seamus loved me first, and I really do think he’s taught me some things about God. He’s a bird, ergo, Seamus is stupid; he’s also badly behaved, and annoying at times. He does things that normal birds definitely don’t do. He’ll come into my room in the morning, and if I lift up the blanket, he’ll crawl under, and snuggle in the “happy hole.” He likes to go spelunking in silverware drawers, and “dumpster dive” in our trash. He tries to steal food like french fries, or even chicken, and he’s probably more stubborn than any human I’ve encountered. He will attack any human outside my immediate family because they’re not part of his flock, but he will fall asleep in my dad’s hand. He does many other weird, ridiculous things that you simply would not expect a normal bird to do.

I call him my co-pilot because he likes to sit on my head or under my ear when I’m praying or working, or playing video games with my dad. I find that I’m often reminding him, “Seamus, you’re a disaster, and I adore you.” I imagine that’s how God must feel about us sometimes. Of course we don’t start so messy. Bad things happen around or to us, or we hurt our own hearts when we sin. Sometimes Seamus gets bored and tries to steal the keys from my keyboard while I’m writing. He’s annoying, but I’ll grab him while he’s doing it, pick him up, and kiss him. Sometimes while we’re playing video games, he’ll get bored, and fly upstairs. It just makes me want him back. I imagine this is how God feels about us. I can’t get angry at a dumb bird, especially my dumb bird, and I don’t think our omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient God can really get angry at us limited humans, especially since we’re His limited humans.

Seamus can annoy the heck out of me, or even hurt me if he bites, but I’d never give him up. I call him “Precious” for a reason, and not just because I’m a Lord of the Rings fan. Likewise, we really can hurt God, but He’ll never give us up, He’ll never abandon us, and He’ll never give up on us.

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Advent Reflection Notes (Week Three And Four)

I decided to lump these since there is only one video for the fourth week of Advent and it’s actually just all the speakers praying through the Joyful Mysteries of the Rosary together. These videos aren’t really all that long, so I’ve been trying to watch them all in one go so I have the ideas fresh in my mind for the blog posts. Anyway, here are my notes.

1: God is a mountain mover, but he moves mountains under two conditions: a) it has to be his will, and b) it has to be for my good. Furthermore, what we perceive as mountains are sometimes only things we put in our own way, and sometimes we only need to change our perspective.

2: God is our Father. A Father provides and protects, and we are always God’s children.
-I woke up around 5:00 yesterday morning after having the most terrifying nightmare of my life. I am not exaggerating. For a little while I just prayed like a crazy person, but I was so freaked out that it just wasn’t helping, so I went through the Glorious Mysteries of the rosary, but that didn’t help either, so I prayed like I normally do again. I was starting to calm down a little at that point, but by then almost an hour had gone by, and I actually felt like calling my dad to lay in bed with me for a bit like a little kid would. I didn’t because It was insanely early and it would have been kind of weird, but what I really wanted was to feel like I wasn’t alone. Last night I was still actually afraid I was going to have trouble getting to sleep, so I went to bed with the necklace I designed that symbolizes God’s love in a special way for me. I had got it blessed by my priest, so it made me feel safer, kind of like a security blanket.

3: Jesus is the Prince of Peace. Peace in this sense is a “sense of harmony brought about by restoration of relationship with God.”
-I’m going to play with this idea of harmony. I’m a very musically minded person, and harmony is just amazing to me. I love to sing, and harmony makes everything better, in my opinion.
-What exactly is harmony between a person and God? I think it has to do with a number of things, but for this I’ll stick with the music analogy. Harmony would be like a great songwriter/composer taking the foundation of something, and letting a student play with it. God picks the key and the chord progression and the words, and the overall structure of a song, and gives me a guitar, and tells me to put something on top of it. It can be whatever I want. I can choose to play something in the key he’s playing in, that stylistically makes sense, or I can just yuck it up because I want to play my own thing. Our free will choices essentially create or allow for harmony or disharmony.

4: Back to the basics: “Take up your cross and follow me.”
-For me this probably means learning to be more patient, first of all.
-Recently, God taught me, and my priest reemphasized to me that God can take the tiny little nuggets of what I’m capable of giving him and make them into something huge. Worded differently, I need to learn, however long it takes, to not want to be a hero.
-There’s something I need to do that I’ve been avoiding for a very long time. I don’t exactly know how to do it, and I don’t exactly know what the short term or long term consequences will be, but it’s for the good of someone I love very much. That’s a bit terrifying.

5: The Holy Spirit is the source of tradition and renewal.
-It kind of seems like the world wants to do away with tradition. We used to have crazy traditions in our neighborhood, but a lot of that has died out. At the same time, I think remnants of those traditions have held on, and new traditions have grown out of them. It seems to me that humanity needs both, especially spiritually. I think sometimes the world doesn’t like traditions, especially religious traditions because they seem like they don’t make sense, even if we do have explanations for them.

6: How did Mary experience the first Advent?
-She lived it through desire and expectancy. These feelings don’t contradict each other.
-Thirsting for God’s gifts enables us to better receive them. Impatience makes it harder to handle this thirst properly.

7: Love is sometimes chaotic and messy (my paraphrase).
-True love is sticking with the one(s) we love even when/if it’s scary.

8: We don’t always get supernatural guidance, even on really big important things.
-This is kind of confusing. Joseph didn’t have to obey the call to register for the census, but he decided this would be the most pleasing to God. Mary decided following her husband would be the most pleasing to God. I guess I sort of expect him to just tell me what to do on everything. I kind of like being told what to do.

Waiting For A Reply

Over the past week or two I’ve been sort-of-half-in-touch with several musicians. I’ve posted several ads on Craigslist because I want to either join or start a band and I’ve been impatient. I mean really impatient. Part of it is that someone will read my ad and send me a note, so I’ll reply to them and then never hear back. Yesterday I got a note from a guy saying that he and his band are looking for a lead singer and they’d be interested in having me. He even said I was better than their previous singer. The one potentially problematic issue was that they live kind of far away.

I was really excited, so I sent him a note with my phone number saying I’d like to ask some questions and talk about stuff. So of course I’ve checked my email a million times today waiting for something. Anything. But of course, there’s nothing. I know I’m being impatient. It hasn’t even been twenty four hours and I’ve already considered putting yet another ad on Craigslist. I really want this to happen, though. They’re an established, committed band, and even though they don’t play the kind of music I write, I like their style. I could write for them. When I started taking guitar lessons, I wanted to be in a punk band. These guys play the kind of music I wanted to play but couldn’t because I’m just one person. Out of necessity, and because I like it, I write pop/folk music. I can branch out, and I want to.

I really want this guy to call me, or at least send me an email with I time he could. I’m so tired of making music by myself. I can write, but I have no idea how to get gigs. These guys can teach me. I can work with them, and I can learn how to promote my own material. I could perform and be successful with these guys. I listened to a couple of their songs, and I wasn’t wild about their lyrics, but they’re great musicians. With my lyrics and their musical talent we could be really great. I want to be part of this. I’m kind of losing my mind.

Because in my world guinea pigs can fly!

Reality Check

Yesterday was fun. It was my big album release day: my moment in the spotlight. Yesterday I got a whole bunch of people to go and buy something that I created; something I’m proud of. I got all kinds of attention, congratulations, and praise about how good my music is. Yesterday I felt like a goddess.

But I’m not a rock star, and I know I need to stay humble. I look at what I’ve done and I think “how did I get here?” The truth is, that I’ve learned a whole lot through this process. I had no idea what I was doing when I finished recording and mixing this thing in the studio, and I still feel like I have no idea what I’m doing to a degree. It’s great to know that people like my music, but I’ve had to learn and improvise my way here.

I spent a large part of yesterday checking Facebook, updating Twitter, working on getting one of my songs on Pandora, and checking to see how many views I’ve got on YouTube. I got a little obsessed with seeing how many people paid attention to me when I should have been doing homework.

Last night I told my Dad that I don’t want to be a student anymore. Honestly, that really is true, but for now I need to suck it up and finish my last year of college. I am still a student. I am still a quirky, awkward kid living in a boring suburban town. I still have no idea what the “real world” is like, and I’m still just trying to figure out how to make an actual living off this music thing.

I have to remember where it started and where I want it to go. Ultimately, I have two goals for my music. I want it to glorify God, and I want to be able to use it to help people and maybe make the world a little bit of a better place. Maybe that just means making music that makes people happy. I think those are pretty big goals, actually, but I’m also very optimistic. I just can’t get ahead of myself, and I can’t get impatient. I’m already realizing that impatience can be a big problem.

Thanks for reading and listening.

Because in my world guinea pigs can fly!

Slipping

Today in chapel, the speaker talked about living for something worth dying for: giving everything are and everything you have to Jesus, and using all your resources to make the world a better place. It kind of made me feel bad to be honest. It sounds easy in a way; praise the Lord, pray for the world and be nice to people. On another level it’s really hard. I don’t know what it means to give all I have, partly because I feel like I don’t have much to give. I’m broke, so I can’t donate anything, and I’m disabled, so I can’t go anywhere and offer service to anyone.

I know that dedicating my musical ambitions to God is a good thing, and I know praying is a good thing. I do both of those. I pray every night, and I’m still trying to maintain that kicked-in-the-pants drive when it comes to music. I go to the studio once a week, which I’ve been doing for a while, and I’ve been practicing and writing more than usual lately. I’ve also been doing research when I have time, on top of school. I just feel like my mood is slipping. I think I know why, and I think it suffices to say that it probably has something to do with lady issues.

I’m on Spring Break as of Thursday, and I’ll be busy enough, which will be good. I’m playing at an open mic on Wednesday, March 12, and I have a recording session the following night. I’ve also been in touch with a woman who is very interested in becoming a songwriting/performing duo. She was the only person who replied to the craigslist ad I sent out last week, and she’s several years older than I am, but she seems very nice, and we seem to have the same idea of where we want our music to go. She’s also Christian and is committed to using music to glorify God, which is the whole point of this craziness. I’ll be meeting up with her either at the open mic or some other time next week. It should be super cool.

I guess I have to keep things in perspective. I prayed earlier today that God would give me patience and courage. I think great things can come of my project, but it’s going to take time. I’m just too expectant for results now. I’m hoping my new potential band mate (Sam) can give me some pointers, because I think she has a little more performing experience than I do.

I’ll leave you guys with some song lyrics

I will sing Hallelujah
‘Cause there is good in things and I believe it
I can see that it’s true
And it’s beautiful

Because in my world guinea pigs can fly!