Tag Archives: Productiveness

Kicked In The Pants

I feel like I was kicked in the pants yesterday– in a good way. I’ve been in a bit of a slump lately, and I don’t really know why. I just haven’t been performing or writing much, partly because of school, and partly because I’m lazy. Yesterday, though, a realization came over me. I’m not going to get anywhere if I don’t do anything. It seems obvious, but sometimes I start to fall asleep in the co pilot seat, and I just wait for good things to happen instead of making them happen.

Yesterday, though, I decided I was going to change. I’m going to more actively seek out gigs and opportunities to play music, and I’m going to make sure I have my cards with me so I can promote myself wherever I go, and I’m going to try and put myself out there one the internet more; i.e. set up a Twitter account (even though Twitter is stupid).

I also decided to dedicate a portion of every day to music; whether it’s practicing, or writing, or networking, or what have you. I contacted a few venues yesterday, and practiced my songs for a while, and today I sent out a craigslist add for band members. I’ve done that once before, and I didn’t get much of a response, but this time I was much more specific about what I was looking for, so I’m hoping I’ll get some takers. I’m also going to make sure I pray about it too.

I’ve also written a to-do list for myself with what I need to do once my album gets really close to being finished. My thinking is that in this order I need to: Form a band, find a venue for the album release party, get my album copyrighted, and get it on iTunes. Those seem to be the most important things to get done in the near future.

I’m really hoping this random kicked-in-the-pants feeling doesn’t wear off, because I’ve been awfully productive in the past two days.

Because in my world guinea pigs can fly!

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Imperfection vs Satisfaction

Is anyone ever truly satisfied? I don’t mean satisfied with one or even most parts of their lives; I mean utterly and completely satisfied. My immediate response is “No. I don’t think so.” So the question is; why is that? I think our own personal imperfections play a large part in it.

I’ve been doing fairly well lately. I’ve been getting a lot done on my album and I’ve finally killed songwriter’s block. I’ve set up a few small gigs and I’m going to start looking for more again tomorrow. I even bought a book about the music industry that I intend to read as soon as I get a good chunk of time to. I had an awesome gig last night and an awesome recording session this morning. I was feeling great about myself right up until about 8:30 tonight.

It ended up being super hot today so I decided to goof off, drink some soda and play video games for the afternoon. Well my mom was watching the news when I came down to the kitchen for dinner and apparently they’re having another tornado in Oklahoma. That was a buzz kill to say the least. My friend came over shortly after and we hung out in my basement and watched the Nostalgia Critic (who is freaking hilarious) for a few hours.

So why do I feel so crappy all of a sudden? Why is it that every time I do something remotely unproductive I feel like a loser? So far I have been pretty darn productive this summer, so why do I feel so bad about taking one day off? Maybe it’s because I’m too unrealistic with myself. I need to remind myself that it’s okay and even necessary to have some fun. I am just one girl and nobody ever said it was my job to save the world, even though I want to.

Something I’ve recently come to realize is that I’m a bit of a pushover. I didn’t like discovering that about myself. It worries me because I take a lot of crap from my brother and my friends. I know they’re only jerks in a loving sort of way, but I don’t think it’s funny all the time, and I don’t say anything. I just take it and laugh and act like everything is perfectly fine. It only really bothers me because I’m very nice to them. I can be a “loving jerk” as well, but I know when to turn it off.

This whole thing only really bothers me because I’m worried that if I’m ever in a relationship that I might let the wrong person walk all over me. I think this was an important thing to discover, freak out about and think about, but I currently don’t like it at all.

The whole point I’m trying to make is that my life freaking rocks, but I’m still unsatisfied. My parents are paying cash for me to go to college, I’m close to finishing my first album, I love God and I know he loves me, I have awesome friends, family and stuff, people like my music…. The list goes on. I have absolutely no reason to be feeling remotely unhappy tonight, but I do. On a basic level I think it’s the fact that my life is so good that’s frustrating. I have so much, but a lot of times I feel like I can’t give anything back.

I don’t actually think I’ll ever be completely satisfied even if I do become a famous musician with all kinds of resources to do good in the world because I will always feel like I could be doing more. I guess that isn’t exactly a bad feeling to have per se. I guess the bad feeling I have right now is mostly just impatience, and I guess all I can do is learn to get over it or at least ignore it and keep on trucking. I have to allow myself to have some fun and not feel guilty a out it because having fun is healthy and can be productive in some ways.

Because in my world guinea pigs can fly!

Fear Of Failure

Failure is a very scary thing– not just failing in itself, but the prospect of it; the possibility that in fact, I can fail. I keep telling myself over and over that I can make it as a musician or I can make it as a writer, but I know that there is a very large possibility that I won’t. I think it’s this fear, however that stops me from getting ahead. I played at the Sad Cafe the other night and a guy who was playing after me came over while I was getting coffee to say that he really liked my set. I thanked him and said that whenever I play somewhere I feel like there are at least a few people who are infinitely more talented. He said he had the same problem.

There’s a line in a Bright Eyes song that says “I could have been a famous singer if I had someone else’s voice.” I definitely feel like that sometimes. I often feel that although my music matches my lyrics and my voice very well, and although people really seem to like it, I feel that I could be a lot better at both. This summer I decided I’m going to teach myself “Resolution” by Andy Timmons (see “Sneaky-Sneaky”) to at least get better at the guitar part of it. There’s not much I can do about my voice.

Today I’m just going to fight down my fear, bite the bullet and do some research. I know of a couple places I can pester already, and I’m going to look for a few more. I’ll let you all know how it goes.

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Thanks! ❤